The hardest part of loving an animal companion is having to say goodbye.
I have a t-shirt that simply says, “I don’t care who dies in a movie, as long as the dog lives.“ It is by far the shirt that brings me the most interaction. Strangers will approach me on the street to tell me my shirt is true for them too.
The loss of companion animals—even ones we’ve never met and who don’t pass on for “real”—elicits deep emotions.
The hardest part of loving an animal companion is having to say goodbye. Most of us don’t want to talk about it—or even think about it.
Losing your pet can be as traumatic, or even more so, as the loss of a person. If you have experienced that loss, you know this to be true. The grief can feel overwhelming. You’ve lost that one-of-a-kind companionship and unconditional love. Often when people who have been helped by the donors of Ellie’s Rainy Day Fund lose their pet they say, “Knowing I’m not alone in this comforted me. It didn’t fill the hole, but it helped me to get through the pain knowing I’m not alone in my feelings.”
The love we have for our pets can often be stronger than the attachment we have for some people in our lives. They are family. For some, they are our children. They do not hide or manipulate how they feel about us. When our dog jumps around because we walk in the door, it is real joy. When our cat jumps up and snuggles on our lap, it is a true connection.
Not surprisingly, an article in PsychCentral tells us, “In a study conducted by researchers at the University of Pennsylvania (Quackenbush & Glickman, 1984), it was discovered that individuals were in the greatest distress and at greatest risk for experiencing extreme grief when they had to euthanize their pets.
Feeling guilty is often a component of grief, especially if the owner is conflicted about a decision for euthanasia or feels that appropriate care was not provided.” Ruminating on “what ifs” or “If onlys” makes the pain so much worse.
*For a thorough discussion of issues around euthanasia, please see, “How Will I know?” Of Particular help is the Quality of Life worksheet shown below.
Easing this grief is what drives the mission of Ellie’s Rainy Day Fund. No one should have to euthanize a member of their family due to financial insufficiency. Our donors make sure that for many families that doesn’t happen.
Sadly, people who don’t understand the magnitude of your loss will advise that you “just get over it.” It’s NOT JUST a cat/dog. And to “just get a new one” will not take away the grief. Our pets are a part of us, and you cannot simply replace them.
“Society still doesn’t recognize it as a ‘valid’ form of grief when compared to the loss of a human life, which means the social support one would normally expect during such a difficult time may not be as readily available. Your loss is valid, and so is your grief.”
~Ohio State University ‘Coping with the Loss of a Pet’ brochure
So why is it helpful to think about such a painful topic now?
Just as many people list their wishes concerning their own death, it may help you to do so in order to face the situation with your beloved furry family member’s passing. It can be much more difficult to think clearly and make decisions if you haven’t asked yourself important questions in advance.
For example,
- What will help me to be at peace when I look back on their time of transition?
- Before they pass, how will I be sure they know how much I love them ? (Bucket list?)
- Where will I draw the line medically?
- How will I assess their ongoing quality of life?
- How will I honor their body once they are dead?
- How will I support my other pets if they grieve?
- Who can support me as I grieve?
The Ohio State University: Coping with the Loss of a Pet brochure
What can you do that could help you feel better after you lose your pet?
You have just lost an important member of your family. Your bond has possibly been your primary source of unconditional love and comfort. You may experience a wide range of emotions. This is a time to give yourself some of the acceptance your beloved pet has always given you. A wonderful way to honor them is to ask yourself how they would be treating you now and then to act that way toward yourself.
Whatever you are feeling, it is the right thing for you. Please be on the lookout and interrupt any blame, shame, or guilt to which you might be subjecting yourself. Realize that you did the best you possibly could for your fur kid. It’s tempting to tell yourself if you’d done something differently you could have saved them. A false sense of control can be an attempt to mask the pain of your loss. Blaming or second guessing yourself may distract you temporarily but in the long run it certainly won’t help.
Would you share with us how you got through it? Or are still coping? We would like to share some of your tips with others who are experiencing this loss. And to hear what was special about your loved one. Take the Survey Here.
How Long Will My Grief Last?
“Nobody can say for certain how long your grief will last. The feelings of loss and sadness are very individualistic and so can vary widely. In one small study of 82 people who had lost their pet, “25% took between 3 and 12 months to accept the loss of their pet, 50% between 12 and 19 months, and 25% took between 2 and 6 years, to recover” (Messam & Hart, 2019).
Some of the actions that may give you comfort and peace are:
- Share your feelings with others who understand your special bond
- Join a pet loss support group. Search the web to locate one near you
- Share stories about how your pet came to join your family; got their name; things they did that made you smile; how they made your life better; how you improved theirs
- Celebrate the life of your pet by creating a photo collage; send some of their ashes for incorporation into something meaningful to you; give your time to an animal rescue
- Keep something with you that helps you to feel your beloved’s energy
- Be kind to yourself and take good physical care of yourself. Keep doing things that helped support your health. If it upsets you to walk without your pup, take a different route or talk to them and let yourself cry as you walk.
For additional suggestions, see https://vmc.vet.osu.edu/sites/default/files/documents/coping_with_loss_brochure_2024_web.pdf.
Articles to help you understand your grief and take care of yourself:
https://vmc.vet.osu.edu/services/honoring-the-bond
https://psychcentral.com/lib/grieving-the-loss-of-a-pet
How long will this grief last?
https://vmc.vet.osu.edu/sites/default/files/documents/how-will-i-know_rev_mar2024ms_0.pdf
https://vmc.vet.osu.edu/sites/default/files/documents/coping_with_loss_brochure_2024_web.pdf